Fishing Disaster
by organizationkhII
Summary: Kisame attempts to teach Tobi how to catch and cook a fish. Unfortunately, the results are not even close to what were intended. Tries harpooning, fly fishing, and even catching giant catfish barehanded. The cooking? Doom. Rated T for strong language.


**This side story was asked for by one of my most loyal readers and reviewers...ultima-owner! :)**

**BE WARNED. LOTS OF CURSING AND RANDOMNESS IN THIS SIDE CHAPTER.**

**Fishing Disaster**

"BLOODY MURDER!" Tobi screamed in the blue man's ear. He giggled madly as Kisame groaned and raised his hand, as if to swat an annoying fly.

"Getthefuckoffmenow," Kisame growled, now using both hands to pry the childish man off him.

"But KISAME, YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO TEACH ME HOW TO FISH!" Tobi wailed. Kisame mentally facepalmed. "TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!"

Kisame groaned again as he leaned his face into his propped-up, calloused hand.

_**Flashback**_

"_Truth or dare, fishface!" Hidan grinned widely, eyes shimmering with excitement._

"_Dare," Kisame replied. After all, he could be considered the toughest physically and mentally out of all of them. As long as Hidan doesn't give him something ridiculous, like kissing Tobi, he would be fine._

"_I dare you to…" Hidan's face scrunched up in thought, "…to kiss Konan! In front of Pein!"_

_Interestingly, various members started having various reactions._

_Deidara, who was drinking a cup of tea, choked on it and nearly collapsed in a heap on the floor from laughter._

_Kakuzu cursed when he realized that he had lost count of the money. He made a mental note to use this as a reason to kill Hidan later._

_Sasori chopped off the head of the puppet he was working on. Unfortunately, it was a puppet of Sakura, and he sighed when he saw her decapitated body._

_Itachi smothered his chuckle into a cough, but he accidentally spilled his coffee over his book about Kekkei Genkai._

_Zetsu dropped the plant he was holding and wailed at the injured (but not dead) venus fly-trap._

_Tobi laughed maniacally and rolled around on the floor, pounding it with his fists. In his fit, he accidentally rolled over the dropped venus fly-trap, crushing it. Zetsu promptly started to choke the life out of him._

"_I don't think it's that big of a deal," Kisame shrugged. He flexed his arms and picked up Samehada off the floor._

"_Then I'll fucking make it into a bet. If you fucking fail to kiss the bitch in front of Pein, or you put your lips to someone else, then you have to do whatever that bastard says." Hidan pointed at Tobi, who was still writhing in Zetsu's grasp. "And if he wants you to sleep with him, you'll fucking have to. We'll make sure of it."_

"_Deal on. You're totally going to lose." Kisame sauntered out of the living room, Samehada over his right shoulder. What he didn't hear was the laugh of Hidan and the hushed tones of discussion between two of the members…_

_XXX_

"_Enter."_

_Kisame pushed open the door. In the black midst, he saw Pein and Konan seated at the desk. _

"_What brings you here, Kisame?" Pein asked, his eyes boring into Kisame's._

_Kisame frowned. Improvisation was not his strong point, and probably will never be. Itachi was the one who did all the talking and negotiating._

"_Unfortunately, Hidan decided to play a prank and set a bunch of cockroaches loose in my room and bathroom. Itachi has been complaining about it and he sent me to try to…uh…" Kisame scratched his head, at a loss of words._

"_Find where the Raid and cleaning supplies are?" Pein finished. Kisame nodded mutely. "Konan knows where they are. Follow her." He dismissed them both with a wave of his hand._

_Konan rose up, a small smile gracing her lips. Kisame smirked as she approached him._

"_Kisame, follow-"_

_Konan was cut short as Kisame crashed his lips into hers in a searing kiss. He could barely register the glare from Pein, but he made the most of his, well, _lucky_ situation. Before Kisame could circle his hands around Konan's waist, she pulled back, leaving him in an abrupt, awkward situation. He stared in shock as her lips turned into a smirk before she disappeared in a puff of smoke. He found himself face to face with none other than a man with slick silver hair and purple eyes._

"_HAHAHAHAHAHA!" Hidan roared, clutching his stomach. "YOU TOTALLY FELL FOR IT! HAHAHA!"_

"_Tobi thinks that kiss was very very hot." Pein also disappeared in smoke and emerged as the Master Hyperactive Kid. "Oh, look! Tobi thinks Kisame has a fever. His face is turning red."_

"_Oh man he's about to blow!" Hidan pointed his finger in Kisame's face, which was turning beet red. A tick mark bulged on his forehead._

"_YOU FUCKING BASTARD!" He screamed before lunging at Hidan. Hidan jumped away from Kisame's hands before making a run for the door._

"_By the way, your lips were sooooo fucking soft." Hidan, laughing his ass off, barely escaped from Kisame's Samehada, his mocking laughter trailing down the hall._

"_Kisame-san, you were supposed to do whatever Tobi tell you to do. And Tobi wants you to teach Tobi fishing. Tobi is really happy! Kisame-san's face was so funny-"_

"_YOU LITTLE BITCH! YOU ARE NEXT!" Kisame roared, swinging Samehada in a wide arc at Tobi, who squealed like a pig and ran through the wall to another room in his haste. "GET BACK HERE NOWWW!"_

_**End Flashback**_

XXX

"Kisame-san, is this how you do it?" Tobi asked, jabbing at another silvery trout in the river. On the shore bank, Kisame facepalmed at Tobi's childish antics. At this rate, Tobi wasn't going to catch a trout in a million years.

Striding into the water effortlessly and silently, Kisame took the harpoon from Tobi's hands and eyed a fat trout. Taking the angle the sunlight was coming from, he jabbed to the right of the fish in one smooth motion. He brought the fish out of the water, the droplets streaming off its scales as it struggled against the sharp point.

"This is how you do it. This is the fiftieth time I've already showed you."

"Wow! Kisame-san is so awesome!"

XXX

"TOBI CAUGHT A FISH! TOBI CAUGHT A FISH!" Tobi screamed. "NO! BAD FISHIE! BAD FISHIE BROKE THE LINE!"

"Dude. Shut up. You'll scare all the fish away with your incessant screaming," Kisame said, watching the clouds pass by. He turned his head as he watched Tobi and rose from his supine position. "Hey! HEY! What the FUCK are you doing?"

"Tobi is trying to catch catfish with bare hands! Tobi is such a good boy!"

"What is fucking WRONG with you?!"

"Nothing, Kisame-san! OW THE FISHIE BIT ME! BAD FISHIE!"

XXX

Kisame gathered up the one fish they had caught. In fact, it was Kisame who caught it, not Tobi. He started walking back to the Akatsuki base before he felt a hand tug at his sleeve. Kisame looked quizzically at the masked man.

"Tobi is very hungry. Can Kisame-san teach Tobi how to cook the fishie?" Kisame facepalmed for the hundredth time that day.

"Okay. Fine. Listen and watch." Quickly, Kisame cleaned and scaled the fish, took out the insides and cleaned the belly. Finding a random stick on the ground, he stuck it through the middle of the fish, not even caring if doing so was sanitary or not.

"Look! Tobi set a fire!" Tobi excitedly pointed at the small bonfire he made. Kisame was surprised, but grateful that Tobi had actually done _something_ right.

"Hold it over the fire. Don't let it be engulfed by the flames or it will cook too quickly and may burn the fish." Kisame handed the stick to Tobi, who took it eagerly.

Sighing, Kisame laid on his back again. It had been a long day and he really wanted to get back to his room and sleep. He knew he might be the laughing stock when he went back, but compared to this Tobi nonsense, it was nothing.

"AN ANT!" Tobi screamed, dropping the stick into the fire. Kisame shot up and grabbed the stick out of the fire. The skin was completely burned off, the black flesh was almost inedible. Kisame threw it at Tobi in disgust.

"You're eating that," he said before standing up, brushing the ash and dust from his Akatsuki cloak, and languidly started to walk back to the base. He could hear Tobi scramble after him. "Don't forget to stomp out the fire!" Kisame called over his shoulder.

_Now, time for revenge. _Kisame grinned.

**I know, random. And lots of cursing. Sorry I didn't include much of the other Akatsuki characters. :)**

**I'm planning on another Akatsuki fanfic. However, it's not up yet. Hopefully it will be by the end of the year.**

**Time for a poll.**

**What do you like about Kisame?**


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